From Old to New

An optimist 

stays up til midnight

to see the new year in.

A pessimist

stays up til midnight

to make sure the old year leaves.

- Bill Vaughn

... and a retail worker

goes to bed on time

because retail never stops!!

hahaha


Thoughts on a new year;

and on the year that has passed.

It's been a rough ride this year. 

My cousin died; a good friend

committed suicide.

I'm still alone.

and even though that's my choice,

there are some days that it's

not always .... enjoyable.

Every "diet" that I started

ended before I made any progress.

With each new year, we're supposed

to learn from our mistakes and

make the new year even better.

So that's my goal. 

To eat healthier, to be healthier

to get regular exercise

and to take more photos.

Happy New Year, my friend!

Old Ends

"So I close my eyes

to old ends

and open my heart

to new beginnings"

-Nick Frederickson

Here we are, the end of 2018.

Was it everything you hoped for

when we started this year?

The last two weeks of December

are always the hardest for me.

As we grow older, 

our gains and our losses increase.

Sometimes, we focus on the gains

so we don't have to dwell on the losses.

But it's in this time that I tend to think

of all the losses.  

I'm ready for January and a new year,

a time of new beginnings,

and I'm hoping for 

a few new gains along the way.

Here's to a new year, a new chapter.

Exquisite Pain

In Anna and the King:  If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?

In Sex and the City    :  The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable... 

I'm in an upstairs apartment with two bedrooms.  I've been exchanging email and text back and forth with a man, and we were finally going to meet up.  

Kept busy, and away from the apartment, I finally returned home, climbed the stairs and went into my bedroom.  I had no idea that there was someone in the apartment.  As it turns out, it wasn't just him, but he brought his son with him.  It was a joyous meeting, but very short lived.  

You told me that you wouldn't be staying, and we couldn't talk any longer.  We layed on the bed for a few short moments, side by side; I could feel tears running down my cheeks.  I turned and tucked myself into the nook of your arm, my head resting on your shoulder.  You kissed the top of my head, held me close for a few moments, then got up to leave.  You left a thick magazine, along with three greeting cards on the top of my dresser.  I could see the return address as the town of Edgewater on the magazine.  You said goodbye, and I listened to your footsteps as they faded away down the steps.  

I followed, walking down the center of the street, away from my parents' house.  "Good-bye" I whispered to myself.  I turned, tears still staining my cheeks.  I could see my Dad watching over me from the front window.

I stopped and sat on the curb on the corner of the street, under the light post.  I opened your first card, and began crying all over again.  Sad.  Happy.  Despair.  These all washed over me; I was happy we finally met, and felt sad despair that we couldn't be together.

If love was a choice, 

who would ever choose 

such exquisite pain?

~~~~~

I am a vivid dreamer. 

Usually in color, but this one was in black and white.

Who was this mystery man? 

Someone I'm not destined to meet, 

seems the obvious take.

My Dad watching over me, 

I'm quite certain he does.

He died 4 years ago just before Christmas.

The house he was watching me from

has been our family home since 1966.

It took me hours to go back to sleep

after this dream.

It was an emotional roller coaster

and the pain was intense, and so real.

The phrase that stuck in my head

was "exquisite pain".

Goodbye, my love, whoever you are. 

Time to Refocus

I have been doing this blog

for over 7 years now

this from one of my first posts.

and while there are a select few folk

I could count on one hand

who do more than just

ogle photos ....

There's too much time and effort

that goes into making a good photo

and even more heart and soul

that gets put to page.

The number of "hits" from people

looking at my blog barely justifies

the time and energy I put into this.

I started this because I wanted to be able

to share a bit of me;

what I've come to realize is that I also hoped

that it would create some dialog ... and it hasn't.

Maybe it's time to refocus.

Silly, Tired, Gal

Busy days makes for one tired Gal!

being tired means doing things

on "auto pilot" rather than thinking

things through.  Tonight was one of those.

Using my garage door opener, I opened

the garage door to pull in the recycle bin

then pushed the button for the door to close

and stepped inside.  But why? I thought

is the garage door still running??

I stepped into the garage and here the door is

wide open.  So I pressed the button and

watched the door come 3/4 down, stop and

then run itself back up again.  Mind you,

normally I would be checking things out

but my mind is tired with a capital T!

So I pressed the button twice more,

and yes, watched the door go down,

then back up without closing.

Turns out, the small piece of rope

that I use if the power goes out

was getting in the way of the signal

causing the door to reopen to prevent

something being caught under the door.

Silly me!!  and thank goodness it wasn't broken!

Red and Black

It was a Red and Black day

and I spent some time

decorating my tree.

A $2 bucket of shatterproof

ornaments goes a long way!












(Sometimes, it's very weird

having Christmas in the desert

with warm sunny days.)

Cactus Tree

Growing up, I spent my youth

with cold, and imagining snow

for the Holidays.

Living in Ohio,

those were very true!

Now in Arizona,

we decorate our cactus

and enjoy warm sunny days!

Here's our desert version of

          Jingle Bells:

Driving through the sand
With his jeep well in command
Over the rocks and brush
Santa's in a rush.

Most towns have white snow
But Phoenix has hot sand
But that won't stop ole Santa Claus
Four wheeling is his plan

Jingle bells, lizard tails
Hot and sunny day
Santa's here in desert town,
But he cannot stay.

Jingle Bells, lizard tails
Hot and sunny day
Santa's jeep is packed with toys
So everything's okay

A Little Tree

“Like snowflakes, 

my Christmas memories 

gather and dance—

each beautiful, 

unique, 

and gone too soon.”

Christmas is for kids, they say.

And being a mom, I have found

there's more joy in Christmas

when children are around.

Otherwise, it's just adults

sitting around, sharing a drink,

and buying each other something

that we've probably already 

bought for ourselves.

Working retail means I've been looking 

at Christmas trappings since September.

Most years, I don't even bother

with a tree.  This year, I bothered.

I'm not sure why.  

Other than the old saying, 

"If you want something to change, 

you have to change something."

Maybe this year is it ?!?

Edited Update

Old photo with a little editing
as I'm in no mood to get naked.
This was "hell week" at work
and I had some very hellish shifts

My step tracker showed 23k steps
on Thursday alone .... I thought
the day would never end!
Nothing like Retail + Black Friday
to make work so much fun.

To add to it all, my cousin who was
61 years old went in for open heart
surgery to repair a valve.  As he was
being prepped, his heart stopped.
They fought to bring him back, and
he was on life support for 7 days
and then died. 

This past week seemed unending.
Friday after work, I came home, ate
and crawled into bed at 5:30 pm.
I didn't wake up until 7am Saturday!

Welcome to this year's Holiday Season!
Is it January yet?  heh heh heh

Subdued

Hello my friend

a very subdued day for me

I worked 6 days, 50 hours

and was exhausted.

One day off and back I go again.

So I re-used this photo.

Another family health issue has come up

and frankly, I'm beginning to freak out

about growing old -- or rather

not being able to grow old!!!

How many of us say

"I wish I'd taken better care of ...."

If you haven't, start now.

There's no better time than the present!

I'm going to try, too.

On A Whim

 

On a whim, I picked up a bundle

of fall flowers to brighten my home.

There Is No Why

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of this moment. 

There is no why.".  ~Kurt Vonnegut

A friend sent me this quote (Thank You!) 

it got me thinking about

blowing out the black candle

and letting go of what's in the past.

I have struggled for more than six years

trying to deal with, or work past,

all the issues I've had with Elvis. 

I had a nice six month break -- 

and truly appreciated it!

But I have to wonder if there's something

in my past that I've not dealt with?

It's like learning a lesson about a given

situation.  If you don't learn the lesson 

you're supposed to learn, 

does the Universe keep sending you 

the same thing over and over

until you learn it?

And if that's the case, WTF am I

missing with this Elvis character??

Or is this just another case of 

"There is no why." 

I think I'm happier with that answer.

Samhain Blessings

On this Samhain:

The black candle represents your life, decisions and experiences in the past year.  Think about how your experiences have helped you to become the person you are today, what lessons you could have learned (if any), and what ways you have grown.

Burn, burn, sorrow turn, 

melt away, do not stay. 

Go in peace, trouble cease.

When you are done, blow out the black candle’s flame with gratitude, bidding farewell to what was.

The white candle represents the present moment and year to come. Reflect on ways you can experience more joy and wholeness each day.

Flow far, flow free, 

flow in peace and harmony.

When you’re ready, blow out the flame with hope.

My secret wish for this year's ritual

was to be bidding farewell to the 

year I've had, the troubles I've had,

with Elvis.  

Since that is not to be, I am leaving

it in the past, and looking forward to

a new year, a new beginning,

and perhaps a new direction.

Bright blessings, my friend! 

Find Your Joy

Find joy in everything you choose to do.

Every job, relationship, home .....

It is your responsibility to love it, or change it.

~Chuck Palahniuk

I struggle with this more often than I should.

There are many things I do out of

a sense of responsibility rather than joy.

Like my recent "vacation".

I drove myself, my son and Sadie to NorCal

for a nephew's wedding.  I knew that it would

be a weekend full of events surrounding the wedding.

I also knew there wouldn't be much joy in it for me, 

other than the happiness I had for my nephew and his bride.

I didn't know 95% of the people there.  I am old enough

to be the mom to most of them.  Not much conversation

happens when you're "the mom" while the "kids" drink.

lol yes, I can laugh now but events like that are more of

an endurance for me, than a joy.   

And work issues continue.  Day 3 and Elvis decided to take

a stroll through my work area, and since I was out making

deliveries, I have no idea what he said, or did, to the gal

who works with me, but she was pulled in for two different

closed door meetings immediately after.  And was told

she couldn't discuss it with me.

With all that, and because I'm worn out from "vacation",

I decided not to go in to work today.  

Sometimes, you have to stay home and find your own joy!

Stand Strong

"I am a strong woman.

Everything that's hit me in life

I've dealt with on my own.

I've cried myself to sleep.

Picked myself back up and

wiped my own tears. 

I have grown from things

meant to break me."







It was a rough day. 

Elvis has returned to duty.   In. My. Store.

It's awful to hear him tell the story as he

believes it to be:  that he was wrongfully

terminated; he's been reinstated with full back pay

and he is being compensated for retraining to be

a pharmacy tech.   Frankly, I just want to throw up

over that whole farce. 

At the same time, a snooty young manager told me

I could no longer step onto a pallet when I'm stacking

boxes.  I told her that I was doing so because I didn't

want to hurt my back by reaching and stretching with

a heavy box.  She told me to rearrange my pallet so

that I could reach all sides.  I smiled, and did just that.

Blocking the aisle so no one could get through.  *smirk*

Some days, I wish for a different job, a different store,

and even .... a different life. 

I think I need a good night's sleep.

Feeling Blurry

Back from vacation, and

feeling quite blurry.

Family obligations were the point

of the whole trip, and yet

so unsatisfying in many ways.

A very long drive with Sadie in the car.

No chance for any real conversations. 

Happy for my nephew who was married.

But when ex's are involved - my brother's, not mine! -

it makes things that much more uncomfortable.

Now I feel ready to take

a vacation

from my vacation!!

Hello, my friend.  I'm home.

Come Find Me

Just chillin'

in the yard










Three separate mornings over the past week,

I've heard the same song on the radio:

Alabama's "Come Find Me"

It keeps touching a nerve and

I haven't been able to put a finger on it.

Maybe it's the simplicity as he sings

"... come find me...."

in his sexy, breathy voice

Hurricane Rain

Rain is grace;

Rain is the sky descending to the earth; 

without rain, there would be no life.

~John Updike

Thanks to Hurricane Rosa

plenty of rain pushed into

the Valley of the Sun.

Mysterious

Mysterious

Blown in with the night

All this beauty captured in a frame .....

That's the opening lines to a Gov't Mule ballad

called Beautifully Broken and for some reason

is resonating with me tonight.

What does it mean to be beautifully broken?

To be a beautifully broken girl 

means to see our brokenness not as a punishment 

but as someone's misuse of our own empathy and kindness.

Or as Wiki put it:

"the art and philosophy of repairing a broken object 

with elegance and grace using gold or silver, 

not hiding the imperfection 

but honoring and embracing it 

as part of the history of the object.

Two fer One

All you need is

Love ....

and a dog

Just another

fun filter

to keep things

interesting

(this one is Candy)

It's still impossibly hot and they are

predicting rain for the next two days.

Hot rain = humidity

and frankly, I'd rather have hot!

Work has been impossibly busy

and frustrating with construction crews

trying to do their jobs, while the rest of us

are trying to do ours; at the same time,

customers are trying to shop.

Is it November yet???

The End of the Day

At the end of the day,  tell yourself gently:

"I love you, you did the best you could today

and even if you didn't accomplish all you had planned,

I love you anyway."

Sometimes I get so busy

and so caught up

in the junk and the everyday stuff

that I forget to appreciate

all that I did today.

Instead, there are nights when

I lay in bed, thinking about all the

things that *didn't* get done.

Tonight, I'm happy with all that I did!

and tomorrow's another day.

Fire Filter

What matters most

is how well you walk through the fire.

-Charles Bukowski

Wow.  Some crazy news

that tickled me down to my toes!

After all the back and forth,

the anxiety and yes, a little fear,

Elvis was in the building Friday.

After his meeting with upper management

it's been determined that it would be in

his best interest if he accepted a position

at another store!    Total relief ! ! ! !

Good Karma payback??

I don't care how it's categorized

it's a huge weight off my shoulders!

In celebration, another pix

I didn't like in real, added a Fire filter

and this grew on me on so many levels!

Smoke Filter

Some people 

walk in the rain

others just get wet

-Roger Miller

We had another storm

roll through the other evening

I had just gotten out of the shower

when the rains hit

so I had to dash outside!

Weirdly enough, even though

the temp was 104, the rain was chilly!

I utilized one of my many options

to filter this photo - it's called "smoke".

I like the black and white, always have,

but I like the added ethereal look 

it gives to the plants! 

(I've noticed I tend to filter the photos

that I don't like very much!)

Be a Warrior

Face forward

Stand your ground

Lift your sword

and let the enemy

see the lovely face of a hero.

-Lisa Bevere

That will be my mantra

as I face the coming week.

B&W

  

There is nothing wrong

with change.

If it is in

the right direction.

-Winston Churchill

Just another shot of the

brooding evening

I allowed myself.

A day of rest and recoup

tomorrow will take care of itself.

Brooding

"Mama always told me that I should play nice

She didn't know you when she gave me that advice..."

Thank goodness my home 

is my sanctuary

a place I can go to be alone

to recharge and renew

but that will have to wait

until tomorrow.

today I am brooding

because I was informed

that Elvis is making a comeback.

Yes, they overturned his termination

and he's coming back to work.

To that end, I have decided that 

I will be doing a "duck and cover"

to avoid crossing paths with him.

Should he attempt to engage me in 

conversation, my phone will be in hand

recording the whole thing.

Because he has gotten his third overturn

he will no doubt act like he's 

"cock of the walk"

Untouchable

a Force to be Reckoned with.

I told management that if I'm forced

to work with him again, I will be

looking for a transfer to another store.

I'll brood for the rest of the night,

then I'm done.  

He isn't worth my time.

Perfectly Me

Love your curves

and all your edges

All your

perfect imperfections

-John Legend









I'm not perfect

but I'm perfectly me.

The last of the evening light

shines on a white door

more computer playtime

creating art

while Sadie snores at my feet.

Curves, not Angles

Magic 

lives in curves, 

not angles. 

- Mason Cooley

Here it is, August already.

still hot in the Valley of the Sun

stuck indoors for the time being

and experimenting with 

light, shadow and curves.

Happy Weekend, my friend!!

Age

      

Age is just a number

that has little to do

with how you feel.

Age does not define

the strength that lies within.

Age is a work of art.

Being Happy

The greatest challenge in life

is discovering who you are.

The second greatest is

being happy with what you find.

Kermit the Frog always sings

"It ain't easy being green ..." (listen here)

He finds a way to find the good

within the bad.

I like to think that I do that too.

It's not always easy being happy with

who we're meant to be.

But every day, I'm trying.

Alive and Well and Grateful

"So damn easy

to say that life's so hard

Everybody's got their

share of battle scars

As for me, I'd like to

thank my lucky stars

That I'm alive and well.

And today, you know,

that's good enough for me

Breathing in and out's

a blessing, can't you see

Today's the first day

of the rest of my life

And I'm alive and well"




I seem to be hooked on a loop

of country music

that reminds me to focus

on the positives in life.

I assume it's a symptom of

being submersed in work

and not doing the things

that make me happy

or feed my soul.

Time to work on changing that.

All the Mysteries ...

“There is no

greater journey

than the one that

you must take to discover

all of the mysteries 

that lie within you.”

– Michelle Sandlin

At this stage in my life

I find I'm still discovering

all the little things

that make me tick.

When I was a kid, 

I thought that once 

I became an adult, 

I could quit all the learnin'

-- only to discover that it never ends!  

Thank goodness :)

Every Day Heat

"Heat makes

things expand.

So I don't have

a weight problem ....

I'm just hot!"












It's 7am, already nearing 90 degrees.

(and this quote made me chuckle!!!)

The sun breaks over the horizon

of the other houses around me

and shines on my patio.

While I love a good morning,

the summer heat can quickly

zap your energy!

An odd Wednesday off work

and doing nothing much of anything.

Fill the dishwasher, grill up some burgers

and that pretty much sums up my day!

What's your day like??

Time Flies .....

We've all heard it said,

or said it ourselves:

"Time flies when you're having fun!"

This photo was taken 5 years ago

to nearly the day.

It's hard to imagine so many years

have gone by.

And yet I keep noticing that

every little task keeps me busy

and time just flies on by.





At work, time is "measured"

by the week.  I have seven days to prepare

for the next loads to go out on a truck.

At home, time is measured

by all the little things that go with

owning a home, with living a life

that needs to make a living.

And then there's this little blog

where I watch -and share-  my progress

in creating some kind of art.

Time sure has flown by!

Busy? Just Do It

"You are so busy being you

that you have no idea

how utterly unprecedented you are."

--John Green 

When you're the homeowner

and sole breadwinner

everything lands in your lap.

So to speak.

When something needs doing,

there isn't someone to call on

to give you a hand every time

you need one.

So you just "do".

(Even when it's 110+)

Whatever it is, you just do it.

I know that's a Nike phrase

but it's also the mantra

of this single working woman!

Get Ready ....

I don't understand why people

have to "get ready" for bed --

I'm always ready for bed!

A typical Monday

means a long day

and extra busy at work.

When I get home

all I want to do is

collapse into bed! 

A quick hello to Sadie,

a simple, filling meal,

a cooling shower

and yep, I'm ready for bed!!

Hot and More Hot

"The water that came

last winter is long gone.

"Female rain," it's called in Navajo:

the gentle, furtive rains that fall

from overcast skies between

November and March....

What we're waiting for now

is male rain.

Big, booming,

wait-till-your-father-gets-home

cloudbursts that bully up from Mexico

and threaten to rip the sky."

~Barbara Kingsolver

Yessirree it's hot today!

Not record breaking,

but hot enough!

An overdue day off

and too hot to do much of anything.

Our summer rains we call monsoon

because they come in fast,

the rain falls heavy and hard.

Thunder and lightning 

might rip across the sky

and can be very exciting!

In the meantime, 

I'm finding any

little bits of shade...... 

hehehe

Silly Things

May you find

the balance of life,

time for work

but also time for play.

Too much of one thing

ends up creating stress

that no one needs in their life."

-Catherine Pulsifer







Hello, My Friend!

Yes, I'm still here, and yes, still overly busy

with work and dealing the stuff we call life.

And in my usual weirdness, as I'm creating

this post, I'm also usually busy googling

things - because one thing leads to another!

Am I addicted?

not like I used to be, but I still find myself

looking up things I never thought to look up!

Today I was looking for a quote about being tired.

I just got done with another 11-day stretch of work

and only have today off.  So after my shower,

I slipped out to watch the sun set.  Always gorgeous

here in the Valley of the Sun!

But what I found amazing?  Is a photo of a woman's

bedroom where she had decorated the area above

her bed by hanging hats on the wall. 

For years I have hung all my hats on display

(and thought I was nuts for doing so!)

But if you Google "Hats on bedroom wall" .....

I.  Am.  Not.  The.  Only.  One! ! !

lmao.  The silly things I find on Google!

Never Stop Exploring

I think one of the most difficult

things we have to learn

as we're growing up is that

things are never as they seem

and

there's always more to learn.

As I get older, I sometimes find

myself exploring things

I've already explored!

But with age comes wisdom (hopefully!)

and a different mindset

you can use to explore things

and they seem new all over again!

or you see a whole new side

you never knew existed.

Never stop exploring!

Remembering Alex

A moment of sadness

here in my corner of the world.

A friend from work died - suicide.

It brings up so many thoughts:

"Did I miss something?"

"Could I have helped if I'd known?"

Now there are no answers.

Sometimes things lurk inside

when no one else has a clue.

Unanswered questions

are often the hardest

to live with.

Whatever your troubles, Alex,

I wish you had reached out.





"In the U.S., suicide rates are highest during the spring. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15 to 24-year-olds and 2nd for 24 to 35-year-olds. On average, 1 person commits suicide every 16.2 minutes. Each suicide intimately affects at least 6 other people." 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Be Alright

Everything's gonna be alright

Everything's gonna be alright

And nobody's gotta worry 'bout nothing

Don't go hitting that panic button

It ain't near as bad as you think

Everything's gonna be alright

(Listen here)

I keep telling myself this

every.  single.  day.

but so far, it's just work

and even more work!

It's been a long "month"

since March 11th, and 

so far I'm holding it together, 

but I'm gettin' old... and tired!

And I just keep singin'

"Everything's gonna be alright"